The paradox of agency

Life had become heavy.

Not hard, hard I could handle. Heavy. Like dragging myself through molasses while simultaneously sprinting, never quite fast enough, never quite enough.

I'd built a profitable business. Escaped poverty. Had all the freedom I'd ever dreamed of.

And every morning felt like chewing glass.

The lightness was gone. The joy was gone.

I'd fallen prey to my own high agency.

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how I lost my way

When I started building my own things, I ran face-first into a truth I wasn't ready for: things take time. And starting something new means sitting in uncertainty.

I couldn't do that. I had a part of me I hadn't integrated yet; an anxious overachiever, a critic who always felt behind. That voice made me feel like I had to move faster, do more now. So I hopped between ventures, rushed, chasing success.

First, I wanted to build a huge company. I told myself it was altruistic, that I'd change the world, help people, make a dent in the universe. But when I disconnected from social media, the appeal evaporated. I'd been chasing status dressed up as altruism.

Then I wanted freedom. After a year broke, living with my parents during the loneliest period of my life, I convinced myself money was the only path to control.

The delta between where I was and where I wanted to be became fuel. Effective fuel - I worked frantically, manically, and it did get me out of poverty.

But I never asked myself the question: was the resistance I felt something to push through, or was it telling me the path was fundamentally misaligned?

The business made money. But my energy never flowed toward it. I built elaborate systems, rigid calendars, accountability structures - all designed to override what my body was screaming.

Earlier this year, I integrated my inner critic. Love flooded in from the deepest part of myself. I felt enough, moment to moment. I didn't need anything to be loved.

But this created a new problem.

Why couldn't I just do work motivated by profit anymore? Why did work suddenly need to be aligned with some higher purpose?

Where did my agency go?

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the agency trap

I used to think I could force any path to work.

I dropped out of uni. Traveled through 40+ countries. Boostrapped a business from nothing. I decided what I wanted, then made it happen through sheer will.

Most people discover this kind of agency slowly. They see someone do something unconventional and think, "Oh, I could do that too."

Mine opened all at once. At 18 I'd realized something fundamental: I am the universe experiencing itself. The boundaries between self and world are constructed. Nearly anything is possible.

For years, this belief opened doors that stayed closed for others. The audacity alone was enough.

But these past six months, I've been unraveling it.

Here's why.

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discovering the tao

The shift came from stumbling across the Tao Te Ching.

It's the second most translated text in human history after the Bible. Mass distribution for thousands of years. Yet there's no institution to proselytize it, no church of Taoism converting people. It just... spreads. Like water finding its level.

Reading it completely rewired how I see reality, particularly around this question of agency I'd been wrestling with. The Tao asks:

"Do you think you can change the universe? I do not believe it can be done. One who lives in accordance with nature does not go against the way of things. He moves in harmony with the present moment, always knowing the truth of just what to do."

You don't happen to the universe. It happens, and you get the privilege of witnessing. If you try to fight against the natural way of things, you will fail.

I now see agency on a spectrum. On one end, life happens to you, no control. In the middle, you have complete agency and can do whatever you want. On the other end, life unfolds for your evolution, and you have less control than you think. Or rather, you have control, but choosing a misaligned path means life becomes a struggle.

The way through isn't more force. It's wu wei; non-doing, or more accurately, non-forcing:

"The sage governs by emptying minds and hearts, by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones. Practice not doing... When action is pure and selfless, everything settles into its own perfect place… The usefulness of what is depends on what is not."

In music, the silence from which each note emerges is more important than the note itself. It's the empty space between the notes that allows music to be music. Without the void, there's only continuous sound.

Agency, as I'd been practicing it, is fundamentally masculine energy. Imposing will, making things happen, forcing outcomes. I'd spent years operating purely from this place: pushing, driving, controlling, analyzing, optimizing.

But there's another mode of existence: receptivity. Listening. Allowing. Feeling which direction has energy behind it. This is feminine energy, not in a gendered sense, but in the ancient sense of yin and yang, emptiness and form, being and doing.

I'd been all notes, no silence. All yang, no yin. All doing, no being.

I needed to learn how to listen.

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the paradox

When I started to empty myself of ambitions, move in harmony with the present moment, and let the ego quieten, I began to tap into something else. Something I can only call love.

Love is what remains when the ego dies.

This is when I started to see life differently. Not as something to conquer or control, but as a teacher. A loving force conspiring for my evolution, guiding me toward uncovering more about myself.

The poet Hafiz writes:

"Everyone is God speaking. Why not be polite and listen to Him?"

You can choose to take life's lessons willingly, or get hit over the head with them. I'd been getting hit over the head for years.

So I started following my energy. Living like an empty vessel. And when you're an empty vessel, where else can you flow but the path of least resistance?

That rigidity I'd built around my business? I let it dissolve. The answer became obvious: this wasn't my path.

Maybe real power isn't about bending reality to your will. Maybe it's about developing the sensitivity to feel which paths have life force behind them, and the courage to follow them even when your ego wants something else.

Learning the difference between forcing a path and following one.

Becoming an observer and receiver rather than the pushy director of your life.

Holding onto desires so loosely they barely register at all.